two thousand twelve

Holy cow...it's 2012.

I love the start of a new year, however, I hate how fast they seem to come these days.  Didn't we just celebrate the start of 2011?  I swear we did.  Crazy.

I've been thinking a lot about my goals for 2012.  Of course I thought of the obvious...exercise more, eat better, save money, blah, blah, blah.

As I thought a little more and dug a little deeper, it finally came to me.

In 2012, starting now, I will....

have fun.

Here's the thing you may or may not know about me.  I don't know how to have fun.
I'm the one who says, "I'll just watch" when others gather together to play a game.
I'm the one who will never ever raise my hand to volunteer to do anything.
I'm quiet and rarely let loose.
I'll sing, but never loud enough for anyone else to hear.
I'll dance, but only when no one is watching.
I like to have a plan and I struggle with spontaneity.
I worry and stress about the safety of any event or activity that I may be participating in....however, most likely I am just watching and not participating because I am too lame (and too scared of getting hurt).

I tell myself that I have fun watching other people have fun.  Which is true.  But it's time for me to lighten up a little and learn how to actually have a little fun myself.     

So... bring on 2012.

I'm ready to have fun.

Now, who's up for teaching me how to do the robot?

Happy 2012!!

I was cool once

It's true.  In 6th grade, I was cool.

I was so cool, in fact, that I had a bowl-cut. 
I know, that amount of coolness is tough
to imagine. 

But it's true.

I have no sisters, mind you....no one
to give me any sort of fashion counsel. 
When it came to fashion, I was on my
own....and boy did I know what was
cool and what wasn't. 

And plus, I lived
with my grandparents and my grandma
thought my bowl-cut was cute.

So, there.

Speaking of being a fashion guru,
during my bowl-cut days, I
also wore clothes that were
3 times too big...and...wait
for it....a braided leather belt. 

You are probably wondering
if I folded the end of my belt in
a little knot and hung it down
my waist. 

You bet I did.

I could go on, but you are
probably already a bit
overwhelmed with all this
coolness.  I know, it's
hard to imagine....me
being cool and all. 

'95 was a good year, indeed.   

my facination with recording

I developed a fascination with 'recording' at an early age.  And by recording, I mean making copies of music and movies onto blank cassette tapes.

I would record all sorts of music from the radio...of course, the beginning of every song was cut off, but that didn't bother me much. 

Then I learned how to record movies.  I was always needing more blank VHS tapes to record my shows and movies.  I would look through the TV guide and decide which movies I wanted to record.  Then I would sit in front of the TV with my blank tape in the VCR waiting for the perfect moment to hit the "record" button.  I would sometimes record 2 or 3 movies on the same tape.  I remember one mixed tape included The Sandlot, The Bodyguard (you know, with Whitney Houston) and Rookie of the Year.  I was probably 9 or so (and didn't have many friends, obviously).

Then I learned how to set the timer to record a movie.  So I was able to record my shows even if I wasn't going to be home to manually hit the "record" button.  I thought it was the coolest thing ever! 

One year for my birthday I really wanted a Karaoke machine.  I couldn't sing to save my life (still can't), but I loved that I could record myself.  I remember me and my cousin singing Trisha Yearwood's song, She's in Love with a Boy and being thoroughly entertained.  We would record, rewind, listen, then record again, rewind, then listen.  We thought we were so cool.   


My obsession fascination with recording continues to this day.  iTunes plays an important role in my life in that it allows me to make mixed CDs 'til my heart's content.  I made one just this morning in fact.  I have probably made hundreds of mixed CDs....they are spread out all over the house and in the car...most titled, "Jen's mix."  

I think my biggest concern when we made the switch from VCR to DVD player was that I wouldn't be able to record things from the TV anymore (not without spending lots of money on additional equipment anyway).  It was a very valid concern.

So, you can imagine how happy I was when we got DVR.  Holy cow! Best thing ever!  



   

my first business venture

I never really did the whole lemonade stand thing....although I always wanted to.  I just wasn't cool enough, I guess.  Perhaps I was too afraid no one would stop and I would be stuck there alone on the front lawn with a pitcher full of watered-down lemonade.

I did however start a mini Mentos business in 5th grade.  You remember Mentos?...the fresh maker??


Here's how it worked.  My mom would take me to Kings (remember Kings?) where I could buy 3 packs of Mentos for $1.  I would then sell them to my friend, Mike at 2 packs for $1.

It worked out splendidly.

He would give me 5 bucks and say, "next time you go to Kings, buy me 10 packs of Mentos."  With 5 bucks I could buy 15 packs...10 for him and 5 for me.

It was awesome!

My friend knew he could go to Kings himself and buy them 3 for a buck, but the difference was...his mom wouldn't take him to Kings and mine would.  So, it was a win/win for both of us.


Sure I got paid in Mentos, but in 5th grade, there's nothing better that an overabundance of Mentos.


What were some of your first business ventures...

did you know . . .

Yesterday morning while lounging around, Curtis said to me, "I can tell you something right now about myself that you don't know."

"What's that?"


"When I was in 5th grade, I played the violin in the school orchestra."


"How did I not know that?"

How in our 8 years of marriage and our 16 years of knowing each other, did I not know that my husband played the violin????

So then I said to him...

"Did you know that when I was in 4th grade, my class had a "mock trial" because something came up missing in our classroom.  I got up on the "stand" and totally lied and said I saw someone steal the missing item."


"I did not know that," he said. 

Interesting what we learn about each other over time.


What don't I know about YOU?

honestly . . .

The book To Kill a Mockingbird changed my life.  I'm going to read it every year.

I am lost on Sunday evenings without Dexter.

Country music rocks my world.

I find it amusing when women post pictures of themselves in their bikinis on their blog.  It's sorta like, "hey everyone, look how hot I look in this bikini."

You will never see a picture of me wearing a bikini on this blog...or anywhere else for that matter.  So...rest assured.

When I was young, I was bullied at school.  One day during recess I was kicked in the face and broke my nose.

As much as I want to have kids, I am terrified about it too.

I'm sucked into yet another season of The Bachelor

I'm feeling like I don't fit in with anyone here in this town.  And it sucks.

I don't like edited movies.

I love olives on my pizza.



I find this video clip so darn funny....lets face it...we all have our secrets, don't we.


And I agree, nature can be cruel.

30 things

1. Our kitchen sink is 4 feet wide.  I was curious and measured it the other day.

2. I get these ideas to make things to sell (my tile necklaces for example), but then I just end up giving them away.

3. I hate taking money from people...even if they have a lot of it.

4. I wish everyone in the world could have: 1. a warm place to live.  2. good food to eat.  and 3. a loving companion.

5. I've been listening to Glee's Rocky Horror Picture Show music all week. Best 7 bucks I've spent. Go buy the CD. It's awesome!

6. Every winter my hands get so dry they crack and bleed.

7. When I was in high school, I would have to rub this gross udder butter vaseline stuff on my hands and wear gloves to bed during the winter months.

8. I am very self-conscious.

9. I over-analyze everything.

10. I don't really like social situations.  I will get excited about them ahead of time, but then when it comes down to it, I always want to back out and stay home instead.

11. I have incredibly sensitive skin and it drives me berserk on a daily basis.

12. We've had a new tub, shower surround and toilet in our living room for weeks now.  This bathroom remodel is driving me nuts.

13. The Christmas season is my favorite time of year.  I love it all...the lights, the music, the tree.  I find it all very magical.

14. I failed several classes in high school because I skipped class too much.

15. I got three 4.0s in college.

16. I went through this phase in junior high where I was obsessed with WCW wrestling.  I would record Monday Night Nitro every Monday.  It's pretty embarrassing and I'm SO glad it was just a phase.

17. Curtis was the first guy that I was hesitant about dating because I didn't want it to just be a fling and then us not be friends anymore.  That's how I knew it was true love.

18. When Curtis and I got engaged, we had just a couple hundred dollars in savings between the two of us.

19. I was on a painting spree yesterday.  I painted 8 doors plus our mud room.

20. I repainted our bedroom a couple of weeks ago...from blue to brown.  I love it!  Sometimes it just takes a couple of tries to get it right.

21. I wonder if Dexter and Lumen are going to hook up.  I kinda hope they do.

22. I am currently reading How to Kill a Mockingbird.  I am thoroughly enjoying it.  That Scout, she is a funny one. 

23. I'm sorta kinda hoping for a Kindle for Christmas.  Any thoughts on Kindle vs. Nook?

24. I'm trying to grow my hair out these days and the progress sure seems slow goin' (...or rather, slow-growin'...ha ha).

25. I think people should be free to love and marry who they want (as long as everyone is of age and the decision is mutual).

26. I want to do something really fun for Curtis' 30th birthday...maybe a trip...I don't know, but I want to do something special.  I only have a few months to plan.

27. I look forward to the day when I don't have to go to work every day....but I also worry that day will never come.

28. I love Dancing with the Stars and I can't wait to watch it tonight.

29. I have a ginormous pile of laundry on the family room floor waiting for me when I get home from work.  Blah.

30. I love my blog readers more that you know!!

Operation Memory Recall: my pet bird

The other day I told Curtis that I wanted a horse, but that I would never get one because I would feel too bad for the horse having to be outside when it's cold.

I then remembered a funny childhood story . . .

When I was a child, I had a bird for a short while (a very short while).  I'm not even sure where the bird came from (my aunt perhaps?). 

Anyway, I clearly remember the day when I decided I didn't want the bird anymore.  Not because I didn't enjoy the bird or didn't like feeding it or taking care of it.  It was because I was worried that if the house ever caught on fire, I wouldn't be able to save the bird and it would die in the fire. 

I never told anyone the reason for getting rid of the bird, but there you have it.  Fear of avian smoke inhalation, third degree burns and ultimately death.

ok, ok, I'll admit it . . .

I'm a gleek.

I'm not a fan of the serious-face pictures.  Especially wedding or family pics.  I think a nice smile is much more pleasing.

I watched every episode of the Bachelor Pad (that one was painful to admit)

I am quite the loner.

At least seven times a day I wish that Curtis and I could quit our jobs and not have any responsibilities.  This thought is usually accompanied by Miranda Lambert's Airstream song...

"Sometimes I wish I lived in an Airstream

Homemade curtains, lived just like a gypsy

Break a heart, roll out of town

cause

Gypsies never get tied down"

I've been thinking lately that Curtis and I might need a shiny new Airstream.

I haven't unpacked yet from our trip to Utah that was 2 weeks ago.

I'm listening to Miley Cyrus Party in the USA right now.

. . . . . . noddin' my head like yeah

. . . . . . movin my hips like yeah

. . . . . . i got my hands up

. . . . . . they're playin my song

. . . . . . it's a party in the USA

I may or may not have found an ant in the salt shaker....now I'm worried about what is in the pepper shaker.

I am much more outgoing and social on my blog than I am in person.

When I was young, I was so worried that I was going to be a smoker when I grew up.  My mom and dad both smoked, so I thought for sure that was something I would do too.  It was a big concern of mine as a young girl.

Curtis and I play on a coed volleyball team.  We thought we were signing up to play on the rec league...turns out it was the competitive league. 

The score of one of our volleyball games last week may or may not have been 25 to 5.

As hard as I try to get into Twilight, I just can't do it.  My bookmark has been in between pages 100 and 101 for a couple of weeks now.

When I was dating Curtis, I pretended to like his kind of music.

During our visit to Utah a couple of weeks ago, I ate so much watermelon that my grandma thought I was pregnant.

I'm not pregnant, just so you know I wasn't hinting at something or anything like that.

We haven't had a Christmas tree for 4 years now.  By golly, this is the year for a Christmas tree!!

I'm contemplating cutting my bangs.  It's an annual thing I go through....to cut or not to cut.  I usually end up cutting only to totally regret it seconds later.

I'm going through a weird phase right now with sheets.  I'm obsessed with them.  I've bought at least 3 new sheet sets in the last couple of months.  And I want more.  What's going on?



***** 9 days til Dexter!!!!! *****

dreams and such

I'm a dreamer.

I day dream for a good portion of my waking hours...off in my own world, trying to escape reality, I suppose.

But I also dream a lot at night.  I usually have several dreams every night.  Some nights it seems like my dream lasts the entire night...from the time I go to bed to the time I wake up.  I'm sure that isn't the case, since supposedly, dreams only last a few minutes, but they sure seem to last longer.

I typically dream about things that are going on in my life.  For example, at work right now I am busy getting ready for county fair.  Last night, I dreamed ALL NIGHT about fair entry forms...it was horrible.  It was stressful and it seriously seemed to last the entire night.

A few weeks ago I started reading Harry Potter and I have already had several dreams about it.  The first dream I had involved a guy on a flying motorcycle (Hagrid rescued Harry at the beginning of book 1 on a flying motorcycle).  I even had a dream where I learned I was a wizard!

For this very reason, I don't like to watch scary movies.  They always give me nightmares!!

If only I could have a dream about a way to make a lot of money.  Did you know that Stephenie Meyer, the author of the Twilight books, got her ideas for the books from a dream she had?  Man, it's a good thing she remembered that dream in the morning!

I have many recurring dreams too, many of which I have already mentioned on this blog in the past.  One of my recurring dreams (which I've discussed before, but I'm going to again...it is a recurring dream after all), involves me finding a secret passageway or hidden room in my house.  What usually happens is I find a door I'd never seen before and then the door leads me into a giant game room, or down a hall that leads into a basement I didn't know existed.  I always LOVE this dream because it is very exciting to discover rooms I didn't know I had.  When we were buying the house we live in now, I had this dream. In my dream I was like, "oh my gosh, I always have this dream about this happening, and now it happened in real life!!"  But it was still just a dream.  This is one of those dreams where I wake up a little disappointed because it was just a dream.

I also have those dreams where I wake up and I'm SOOOO relieved that it was only a dream!  . . .Like all those dreams I have about my teeth falling out.

Anyway, aren't dreams amazing?  Isn't it weird that we dream?  Isn't it weird that sometimes our dreams are so bizarre....they make no sense in the real world, but in our dreams, they make perfect sense.  Very interesting.  I would love to study dreams for a living.

What do you guys dream about?

 [afternoon nap, summer of '04...probably dreaming of getting a new couch.] 
[check out my awesome farmer's tan!]

On a side note...thank you awesome readers for answering my Questions for You.  It was sure fun to read your responses.  Each one made me laugh.  So, thank you for entertaining me.  It was fun to see who of you believes in aliens, who doesn't, who makes their bed, who doesn't and who you all have crushes on.  Next time maybe I'll ask more embarrassing questions (and force you to answer them!). :-) 

you asked . . .

Many of you want to know what I do now that I'm not working from home.

Thanks for asking.

My new job is with the County Cooperative Extension Office (it's quite a mouthful...answering the phone at work takes deep concentration). It's a cooperative extension through the University of Wyoming.

What is Cooperative Extension, you ask?

I had to look it up myself. This is straight from our website . . .

"Cooperative Extension is built to provide practical education that focuses on issues which influence daily life that helps to keep Wyoming competitive in a global society. Extension Specialists and Extension Educators are committed to a theme of excellence with educational programs customized to meet the needs of all Wyoming residents.

Our office brings you reliable, research-based information in agriculture and natural resources, consumer and family economics, community and economic development and 4-H / youth development. Our goal is simple... to help you put knowledge to work!"

I am the secretary...administrative assistant...office administrator...or whatever you want to call it.

It's a good fit for me. I like paper. I like organizing. And I like Pam from the Office.

Speaking of which, last week, a couple of people I work with wrapped our boss's desk in wrapping paper while he was out of town. And I've heard talk of a scheme involving the county clerk's stapler and jello.

As I was saying, this job is a good fit for me.

I enjoy what I do and I work with wonderful people.

[my first day on the job...don't I look happy?]

a needed change.

Well my blog has pretty much sucked lately, hasn't it?

Actually don't answer that. I can get kind of sensitive about my blog.


The truth is, I've been in a funk lately. It happens from time to time. It must have something to do with being human.

I don't know how it is for you, but when I'm in a funk, I get all serious. Then my posts become all serious and deep and boring.

I think I'm now over my funk.

So now I can tell you what has been going on without all the serious, deep, boring details.

I decided a couple of weeks ago that I needed to make a change in my life. That change being a new job.

I was working from home doing the same job I had before moving to Thermopolis.

I thought working from home was going to be awesome. It was at first, but then it wasn't anymore.

It got lonely.

If I had kids and had someone else in the house to keep me company (or occupy my time), that would be one thing. But seeing as I don't have kids, I was stuck in the house all alone day after day after day.

For some that is probably great. Not for me. Even though I'm a home-body and I like my peace and quiet, I don't like to feel lonely.

I was feeling isolated.

There were other reasons besides just the loneliness factor. I won't go into details with all of that stuff (you could go without all that ranting), but point is, I knew it was time for me to change things.

I decided I needed to venture out and get more involved within the community.

I started looking in the local paper, I saw an ad for a job that seemed like it would suit me well, I applied, and a couple days later, I was setting up my new office.

I knew this was a good thing for me. I felt different pretty much immediately. I wasn't feeling anxious or overwhelmed anymore. Instead, I was feeling a great sense of relief. I knew I made the right decision.

Of course, the whole early morning thing has taken some getting use to...now I have to actually get up and get ready. This includes make-up, which as of late, has been a rare morning occurrence for me.

It feels good though. I feel productive. My energy levels are back up. I'm meeting new people.

I'm out of that damn funk and feeling happy again.


Things are looking up.

loving right now

I typically go through phases of things I really really love. For example, there was a time when I ate toast with peanut-butter on it every day. I did this for a couple of weeks (maybe longer) before "growing out" of that phase.

Things I love now include . . .

Reading. Sometimes I love to read and other times I don't. The secret for me is finding the right book. I joined a book club this month. Not only is this my first month being a part of this group, but also my first time playing host. I chose the book I Capture the Castle. Thanks for the recommendation, Kristy. I have really enjoyed this book.

Photography. I am eager to become knowledgeable and good at photography. And by photography, I mean photography...not photoshop. Lately I've been studying the different aspects of photography (aperture, f-stops, shutter speed, etc). My next step is to get out and practice what I've learned. My hope is to learn how to take great photos...no editing needed.

Dexter. This show is totally my guilty pleasure. I LOVE it. I am counting down until the latest season in available on Netflix. This is not a recommendation for others to watch this show. It's just me saying that I love it.

Cows. Is that weird? Since living in Thermopolis, we have taken many drives through the countryside. Our drives are so nice and relaxing. It is some of the few times I actually don't stress out about being in the car. We see lots and lots of cows on our drives. I have come to really love looking at them. The more I do it, the more I see their characters. The other day, we saw a cow laying down eating grass while sunbathing. They are actually quite funny creatures.

Cinnamon Swirl Toast. I am loving this in the mornings (and in the afternoons too). Delicious topped with butter. I think I may go toast me a piece when I'm done with this post.

Captain Crunch with Berries. Yum. I'm loving this lately.

Birds. We have seen some amazing birds lately...including a few bald eagles during one of our trips to Montana. I have never appreciated how beautiful and magnificent birds are. Last year during one of our trips home to Utah, we drove past a flock of Peacocks on the highway. No joke. Also, I think one of the robins hanging around our house is full of eggs. It is the fattest bird I have ever seen.

Crocheting. One day out of the blue, I decided I wanted to make my friend a gift for her baby girl. I thought to myself, what could I make? I decided that I could probably crochet something that resembled a headband. This is what I came up with. It was really easy and kind of fun. Now I want to make a bunch more. So...friends with baby girls...need a headband?
Note to Jana: I'm glad you like it. I hope Clara likes it too. Sorry it's blue...it is the only yarn I had. I would love to teach you how to make these, however, I will admit, I am worried about teaching you how to crochet left handed. It just seems so backwards to me. :-)

So...there is my list of things I am loving right now (at least the things I could think of).

What are you loving?

I'm not ashamed to admit

that I'm a HUGE Neil Diamond fan.
Just look at those sequins...how could I not love the guy?


Yes, I have seen Neil in concert.

Yes, I love the movie Saving Silverman.

Yes, Neil Diamond week on American Idol is my favorite week,

No, I have never seen the Jazz Singer.

My grandma's birthday was a couple of weeks ago, and I couldn't think of anything better to get her than a Neil Diamond CD. I checked all of the stores in town and couldn't find one...not a single Neil Diamond CD in the whole town.

My next idea (plan B) was even better...I could download songs from iTunes and make my own CD. Why is this plan better? Because now I get a copy of the CD too...and I can pick all of my favorite songs. Genius!

So, I have been rocking out to Neil for the last week...and it has been awesome! I Am I Said, Cherry, Cherry, Forever in Blue Jeans, Cracklin' Rosie...oh man, Neil is the man!

I am willing to share the love. If any of you are fans of Neil, let me know and I will send you a CD. I mean, for all you know, your town doesn't stock his CD either.

2010 says goodbye to procrastination

I am a huge procrastinator....and I'm sick of it. I have also become quite disorganized. I don't know what has gotten into me.

I procrastinated big time this year for Christmas. I ordered gifts online (due to the lack of shopping in Thermop), and lo and behold, they didn't make it by Christmas. So, we headed to Utah without gifts to give. When we returned back to Thermop, there the gifts were sitting by our front door....and here they are, still in Thermop, sitting on the living room floor. I have yet to mail them out.

Tomorrow is my grandma's birthday...another late b-day card from me...to go with her late Christmas present. Awesome.

Sorry grandma.

I don't think I use to be this way...I'm not sure though. I can't remember.

My goal for 2010 (minus the first week), is to be more organized and to quit procrastinating. My hope is to not be late for another birthday.

For starters, a calendar would probably be good....one I will actually use...and look at every once in a while. I'll work on that...but probably not today.

dreams and such

Curtis and I dream a lot. By this I don't mean we have unrealistic beliefs about the world...you know, like when someone has some crazy idea and someone says, "he's dreamin'." I'm not talking about those kinds of dreams...I'm talking about the dreams that occur during the night when one is sleeping. ...just so we're all clear.

So, we pretty much dream every night and for the most part, remember them in the morning. Sometimes our dreams are accompanied by talking...out loud...while we're sleeping.

Here is one such event that happened a few nights ago:

Curtis: sleeping
Me: can't fall asleep
Curtis: "oh no!"
Me: "what happened?"
Curtis: "I scared Jesus."
Me: laughing. "what?"
Curtis: "I scared Jesus and he fell off the cross."

Ok, so maybe this isn't something I should be laughing about, but I simply can't help it. You have to admit, it's pretty funny. I just wonder what in the world he was dreaming about. This particular dream he did not remember in the morning and didn't remember talking about it out loud.

Sometimes we wake each other up from bad dreams. For example, some nights I wake up to Curtis whimpering. This will probably embarrass him, but sometimes he whimpers in his sleep when he is having a stressful or scary dream. So, I wake him up and ask if he's alright. Usually, he says, "I was having a bad dream" and goes right back to sleep.

Curtis has woken me up from a few nightmares as well. He can tell I'm having them because I breathe erratically and sometimes even hold my breath.

We're both sort of light sleepers, so we wake up pretty easily when one of us is doing something unusual...like me breathing weird or Curtis whimpering.

Sometimes though, one of us will have a dream when we have only been asleep for a very short amount of time. For example, sometimes when we are getting ready to go to sleep, I don't feel tired anymore and like to talk. So, here I am talking to Curtis about my thoughts, when he suddenly says, "I just had a dream." I didn't even know he was sleeping. Then, he goes on to tell me this very detailed (and long) dream he just had, even though he was asleep for less than 1 minute.

I still remember the most terrifying dream I had as a child. In my dream I was sleeping in my bed when I was woken up by a man pounding on my window. I looked over at him through the window and he was pointing at something by my bed. So, I looked over to find Freddie Kruger standing at my bedside holding a match over my bed like he was going to set it on fire. I woke up as he dropped the match. I was probably only in 3rd grade or so, but I sure remember that dream. I also remember a dream I had as a child of getting bitten in half by some sort of dragon. That was a scary one too.

I lived with my grandparents when I was young, so when I would have a bad dream, I would go into their bedroom and tell my grandma. She would usually let me sleep with her and my grandpa. But then, I remember going to her after a bad dream and she sent me back to my own bed. I guess I was getting too old to sleep between her and my grandpa. It was a sad (and ScArY) night to have to go back to my own bedroom, where I was sure the bad people (and monsters) in my dreams were under my bed.

I've always been intrigued by dreams. I wonder why we have them and what they mean. I have several recurring dreams that I have had regularly for many years. One, I have talked about on this blog where my teeth are falling out....horrible, horrible dream, but I have it all the time. Another one is buying a new house and then discovering secret rooms and hidden stairways. That is always a fun dream, but sometimes stressful because sometimes in that dream I can't remember how to get to the secret room. Lately I have also had some dreams about my brother who died 2 years ago. Those dreams are always the best too!

hmmm, I wonder what I will dream about tonight.

Do you guys dream? What about?

D.A.A.

[Driving Anxiety Anonymous]

Hi, I'm Jennifer and I have driving anxiety.

At some point in my life (I can't exactly pinpoint it) I became fearful of getting in a car accident. I think it might have happened when I was a sophomore in high school and a senior student at my school died in a car accident. I'm not fully sure if that is the cause, but that is the only thing I can think of as to why I developed this fear. No one in my family nor myself had ever been in a car accident (at that time).

This fear only worsened as I got older.

When driving with others, I would pay particularly close attention to the road and to every car around us (even though I wasn't driving). This way, I could "help" the driver in case they missed something (like a light turning red, or a car changing lanes). If I saw brake-lights ahead, I was sure to warn the driver to slow down. Basically, I was an obnoxious "back-seat" driver.

I would drive Curtis nuts because I would get nervous and breath in abruptly and grab the door. He would be like, "what???" all tense like he was about to hit a car. "I thought that car was going to change lanes into us" I would say, when really the car was driving just fine in their own lane.

Driving in rain or snow was especially a challenge for me. I would get so tense and nervous I would feel sick to my stomach.

Then, one day it happened. The car accident I had been so incredibly fearful of, happened. We were hit head on at 65 mph by a drunk driver. We spent a week in the hospital with bruises, broken bones, and a collapsed lung. Unfortunately, the passenger in the other car wasn't as lucky and died at the hospital (she was ejected from the car and suffered great internal trauma).

Since that time, all the fear I just described above, well, it has now doubled, tripled, possibly even quadrupled. My stomach is tensing up just thinking about it.

Some people have said, "you don't have to be afraid anymore because now you know that you can survive a terrible car accident." Others have said, "the chances of getting in another fatal car accident in your lifetime are pretty slim, so no need to be fearful." These statements don't help and in no way did our car accident help me not be so fearful.

I'm terrified of dying in a horrible, fiery car crash. I'm serious, too. There are times when driving, I begin to feel so overwhelmed at the thought that I may possible die on this road trip. To make matters worse, I worry about my loved ones doing the same. It's bad because it limits me. I don't want to go places because I don't want to drive. I don't want Curtis to go places because I don't want him to drive.

(Just to clarify, I'm fine with in-town driving (most of the time, anyway)...it's driving on highways, freeways, etc that get me...especially, 2 way highways where oncoming traffic is right next to me.)

Something I struggle with now is holding my breath while driving. It's awful. We get done driving somewhere and I am sore just from being so tense the entire time. Most people don't understand my fear, so they think it's funny to scare me and drive kind of crazy...just to get a reaction from me. Let me tell you, IT'S NOT FUNNY. Of course my sweetie-pie doesn't do this...at least not on purpose, but other people have and I don't like it...so don't do it anymore.

The reason why I bring all this up is because we now live in a place where we have to travel on 2-way highways and through canyons to get just about anywhere. I get anxiety just thinking about driving home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. So much so that I sometimes consider just staying here (where it's safe) for the holidays.

I also have to travel for my job. I travel to Casper every six weeks, which is about 2 hours a way. About a week before I have to go, I get sick. I think of reasons why I possibly shouldn't go. I think about stupid things like quitting my job, just so I don't have to drive. But I love my job and it's a really, really good job, so why would I want to quit?

I don't know what to do. Curtis thinks I should get hypnotized to see if it could rid me from this fear. I don't want this fear to limit me anymore. I want to travel and go places...lots of places.

Do any of you have this same fear? What do you do? Any suggestions?


On a side note, what do you think of my new Halloween blog header? Curtis thinks it needs more bats. :) Isn't Halloween fun?!?

kettle corn? yes, please.

How is it, at the age of 26, I am just now discovering kettle corn? Kettle corn is awesome!

Curtis would always ask me if I wanted kettle corn during jazz games or football games, but for some reason, I always said no. Crazy, huh.

Well, last week at the Worland Farmer's Market, I said, "sure," and it was the best decision ever.

I had no idea kettle corn was so tasty. I love it! So much so that we had to go to the Farmer's Market again today just to buy some. Plus, who doesn't enjoy a Saturday morning at the market?

hot, juicy gossip

What is it about gossip that is so darn appealing. Why do we do it? I'll admit it, I love hearing juicy gossip every now and then, (just as much as the next person, right?). I mean, I'm sure when you saw the title of my post, you, yourself was hoping for a post full of hot, juicy gossip.

For the most part, I think I listen to gossip because I am interested in other people...what they are up to, what kinds of shenanigans they are involved in, what others are saying about them, etc.

One of the toughest goals I ever set for myself was to not engage in gossip for 2 weeks. I was in high school at the time and it took me months and months to accomplish this goal. I was constantly starting over. The actual gossip part of it wasn't that hard for me (I've never really been one to actually spread the gossip), it was the not listening to gossip that I struggled with, which is after all, engaging in gossip. Instead of saying to my friends, "hey, how about we not gossip," I was more like, "yes, go on," "tell me everything and be sure to leave nothing out."

While Curtis was in law school, I would always ask him to share the law school gossip (aka: drama) with me. And trust me, there was always a lot. You would think that once people grow up, they stop acting stupid. Unfortunately, that's not the case. I always found the law school drama to be quite entertaining.


The problem with gossip is that it is usually always biased and ends up leading to bogus rumors, like these rumors about me...


The first one is actually more about Curtis and the rumor was that he hit me. What?? Crazy, I know. The story is pathetic, but humorous as well. Several years ago, I had to have surgery to repair a deviated septum and had to have my nose broken by a doctor to repair an earlier broken nose that didn't heal right. Just for some background info, in 3rd grade, I was kicked in the face by a bully at school during recess, thus, the broken nose. Following the surgery, of course my eyes were a bit swollen and black and blue. Well...someone saw me at a gas station who knew someone I knew who happened to work with a friend of someone I am married to. Get it? This is how gossip works, right? Anyway, the friend of someone I am married to, called us and told us the news. The conversation went like this...

Friend: There is a rumor going around that you hit Jen.

Curtis: What?

F: Yeah, someone saw her at a gas station with a black eye. He said that the last time he saw you guys together, you were fighting.

C: What? (now laughing) We never fight, at least not in public. :)

F: Yeah, so he told someone who told me that you must have given Jen the black eye.

Oh my goodness...people are silly, aren't they? We knew all those involved, so we just had to laugh about it. Just the ridiculousness of the whole situation and how it unfolded cracks me up.


I just got wind of this other rumor going around Laramie that I was pregnant. Someone saw me at the women's clinic and then got together with a bunch of girls and talked about seeing me there. They came up with the conclusion that I was there because I was pregnant. That is not the best part though. They all agreed that I was "acting weird" during the last week of school and I must have been acting so weird because I was trying to hide the fact that I was pregnant.

Oh my, how this makes me laugh. I laugh now just thinking about it and picturing them standing in a circle discussing this.

I had no idea I was acting so weird the last week of school. What a crack-up!


Now, just to clear up these preposterous rumors, Curtis has never hit me and I am not pregnant (although me being pregnant is not that preposterous, but unfortunately, tis not the case).


So, while gossip can be quite entertaining, I am aware that most of it is just silly nonsense, and that is why I am going to do my best to avoid such silly hog-wash. This isn't to say that my ears won't perk up when someone says to me, "did you hear what happened to so-and-so."

I can only imagine the kind of gossip that goes on in a small town (and how fast it can spread). Therefore, my mouth is sealed...ears not so much....mouth zipped tightly.


Any rumors that any of you would like to clear up?

looking back

Sometimes I think back to my past and I wish I would have done a lot of things differently. I think about the stupid things I did, the things I missed out on, the mistakes I made, my school experiences, my actions, my stubbornness, my clue-less-ness, etc, and I wish I could change a lot of things. But, then I think about how changing my past could change my future...change where I am today. The truth is, there is no place else I would rather be today and there is no one else I would rather be with. So, I guess in retrospect, maybe I did everything right. Even the stupid things.